Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Turtle

This story was published online. See it here

by Beth Hawley

My 16-year-old daughter races into the kitchen, tosses her pom-poms to the floor and buries her face into my shoulder. Thinking this is yet another cheerleaders squabble, I “there-there” her like I did when she was 3 and had skinned her knee. My husband momentarily glances up from watching his NASCAR race, and I silently shake my head (couple code for “I’ll take care of it”).

“Okay, Emma, what happened this time?” I ask, “Did Cherie get the front spot again?”

“No, the class turtle died!” was the mumbled reply I heard from under a mass of hair-sprayed curls and tightly wound ribbons.

John looks up from his race again, a slight smile creeping across his face. I silently point a finger at him (yet another code; this one is “don’t start, or she’ll just cry more”).

“Oh honey, I’m sorry that happened. When did you find out?”

Emma steps back, dramatically wiping tears with both hands, “I was there! I saw the whole thing!”

Now granted, my daughter is at the age when everything is a huge deal. Numerous afternoons have been spent calming her down after one high school ‘tragedy’ or another. However, since our family had lain to rest quite a few feathered, furry and reptilian friends, I couldn’t see why this would have set Emma off in such a way. I couldn’t say this to her, however, for fear of facing “the Hulk”. “The Hulk” was much more wearisome than “Sad Emma”. So instead I say, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry you had to witness that. Was he old?”

“What? Yes, pretty old I guess,” she replied, a catch in her voice as she starts to calm down.

“Why don’t you sit down and tell me all about it. I’ll get you some milk.”

“I don’t want milk!” Oh God, here it comes, “Don’t you get it? He’s dead! He was here with us one minute and now he’s gone!”

“Emma, I don’t really see why you are getting so upset. I didn’t even know you had a class turtle.”

The tears suddenly stop and she just stares at me in shock. Then without warning, she busts out laughing. I am at a loss for how to respond. John actually gets up, comes into the kitchen, and stares at this wild creature we call ‘daughter’, “Emma, are you alright? You’re starting to scare your mother and me.”

She waves us off, unable to speak. The tears are now from her inability to stop laughing. John and I just stare at each other (code for “maybe we should call a therapist”).

Finally, Emma stands upright, and with a half laugh/half cry states, “I didn’t say ‘class turtle’, I said ‘Coach Tuttle'.”


Incredible Hulk ® is a registered trademark of Marvel Characters Inc. and Marvel Comics Group.

Photo by Jonathan Zander [GFDL (, CC-BY-SA-3.0 ( or CC-BY-SA-2.5 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Monday, June 27, 2011

White Pants - 5 Rules Every Woman Should Follow

The next time you consider slipping on those fabulous white capris or jeggings, please heed the following White Pants Rules for Fashion Success:

1. Make sure they fit! This seems so obvious, but I see so many women jelly-rolling out of their pants these days, and white magnifies everything . We aren't at Pep Boys, ladies, so please keep your spare tires to yourself.

2. Wear flesh-colored panties. I know the Hello Kitty pair you own is just adorable, but spare the rest of us from staring at your backside like it's a train wreck, m'kay?

3. Cheddar butt. You know who you are. Slap on some Spanx, please.

4. All-over white only looks good on thin women, and even the skinny minies should try to switch it up a little by coordinating their look with a black bag or a colorful accent piece.

5. Is there a chance of rain today? If so, just say no. Trust me, you'll thank me later.

A tip a day keeps the fashion police at bay! Happy shopping, ladies.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hire me!

Hire Beth Hawley at
Beth Hawley : Article Writer and Content Writer

Reasons why you should get a dog before you have a baby

1. If you are at all squemish about any bodily functions whatsoever, trust me, dogs will give you plenty of practice getting used to them. My dogs Roxy and Reese have had the most interesting things come out of both ends. Enough said.

2. Keeping things out of reach will become second nature to you when you own a dog. Baby gates will suddenly become a hot commodity in your home, even before a baby bump appears.

3. Nail clipping another living being takes practice! And while I'm sure your man could probably use a good trim now and then, practicing on him won't be as worthwhile as it is with your dog (unless of course your man actually allows you to put that sparkly pink nail polish on afterward).

4. You will learn the great art of patience as your dog sniffs every single bit of grass, tree stump and moving object during her walk. Your patience will grow even more when you have to give your dog yet another bath because she finds a nice dead animal to bury her face into during said walk. Mmm, dead squirrel funk is so pleasant at 6 a.m.! (At this point, you may want to reread reason #1)

5. Yes, 6 a.m. Sometimes 5 a.m. if a loud semi-truck drives by.

6. Your time spent away from home will be based on how long your dog can hold her bladder (hopefully none of you are leaving infants just chilling around the house by themselves; this one is just a reminder that someone else is depending on and/or waiting for you now).

7. Have you ever tried putting a tutu on a chihuahua? I highly suggest it. Keep the video camera handy.

8. Dogs go through the terrible twos just like toddlers. Just ask my poor remote control and the corner of my couch.

9. You learn how to teach social etiquette, as in "Roxy, stop sniffing his crotch!" (if your child starts doing this to someone, I do suggest more than just an etiquette lesson).

10. You will learn what unconditional love really means. They grow up so fast. 

"We seriously need to reconsider this whole play date thing."

Saturday, June 25, 2011